..saturday morning felt really good, as I knew I had to get up and meet Nelly at the train station. It was a bit stressful, and after I had returned some books at the library, I went to buy food for lunch. I came home three hours later- after a major panick attack, and a massive fit of fury before that (which I suppressed- and that usually leads to the panick attacks). The librarian had been extremely impolite- and even thogh she attempted apologizing a bit later, I was angry. Then, at the mall, I met a guy who only looked remotely like the job center person (the guy who treated me so disrespectfully in October..which still has got me foaming). Remotely was enough. I was seriously close to punching him in his face. I had tried to discuss and solve this problem with my therapist, but she ignored that. Like very many things- but it is ME, eventually, who knows me best- ain't it?
Anyways. I kept my anger down- and had a panick attack the size of texas. I had to sit down, almost threw up and totally lost all sense of orientation there. It was then that I knew..I am definitely not healthy (or able to work) yet. :/
My therapist had been right in this when she told me that I should prolong my being on sick pay, but on the other hand..I don't want that anymore! Though even my doctor tells me I haven't de-stressed enough yet. Then a sequence of strange things happened..somewhere in the mall I hurt my hands, and came home with three bruises that bled. I had virtually ripped the skin off my hands. No idea where or when exactly. Then today, even though Nelly had her usual calming influence on me (the cooking, too), I ripped my sleeping pants (jersey leggings), which is hard to do and never happened before. I am so careful with me, and my stuff- usually. Then I smashed one of my tea glasses..Jesus. It was scary.
The last time I had reached that state of confusion, and nervous overstimulation was in November 2011, when I cut the tendon in my left hand while cutting an apple. I seriously have to watch my nerves. My attention span, my concentration and attention paying in general is simply reduced when I am close to a breakdown once again. Its the last warning sign. Said this- the weekend was productive. And I think I fixed Nelly an internship at Nick's place in Munich. ;)
As I always say..me and a couple of others are gonna watch for that when she has finished studying, she will be the best informed, best networked and student with the most amazing portfolio you can possible have here in Austria. ;)
So, to summarize..I have no idea what to do. Since it is absolutely clear that I will NOT get help with returning to work from the jobcenter side, and the specialised agencies cannot help me either (mostb of them have a "no rehabilitation people" rule- because it simply DOESNT MAKE SENSE to coach someone waiting for a specialised cure..)- I have the two options of staying off sick or struggle with unable, uninformed and socially unfit civil servants of all kinds both at the job center and elsewhere. ://
Wonderful perspective.
Anyways. I kept my anger down- and had a panick attack the size of texas. I had to sit down, almost threw up and totally lost all sense of orientation there. It was then that I knew..I am definitely not healthy (or able to work) yet. :/
My therapist had been right in this when she told me that I should prolong my being on sick pay, but on the other hand..I don't want that anymore! Though even my doctor tells me I haven't de-stressed enough yet. Then a sequence of strange things happened..somewhere in the mall I hurt my hands, and came home with three bruises that bled. I had virtually ripped the skin off my hands. No idea where or when exactly. Then today, even though Nelly had her usual calming influence on me (the cooking, too), I ripped my sleeping pants (jersey leggings), which is hard to do and never happened before. I am so careful with me, and my stuff- usually. Then I smashed one of my tea glasses..Jesus. It was scary.
The last time I had reached that state of confusion, and nervous overstimulation was in November 2011, when I cut the tendon in my left hand while cutting an apple. I seriously have to watch my nerves. My attention span, my concentration and attention paying in general is simply reduced when I am close to a breakdown once again. Its the last warning sign. Said this- the weekend was productive. And I think I fixed Nelly an internship at Nick's place in Munich. ;)
As I always say..me and a couple of others are gonna watch for that when she has finished studying, she will be the best informed, best networked and student with the most amazing portfolio you can possible have here in Austria. ;)
So, to summarize..I have no idea what to do. Since it is absolutely clear that I will NOT get help with returning to work from the jobcenter side, and the specialised agencies cannot help me either (mostb of them have a "no rehabilitation people" rule- because it simply DOESNT MAKE SENSE to coach someone waiting for a specialised cure..)- I have the two options of staying off sick or struggle with unable, uninformed and socially unfit civil servants of all kinds both at the job center and elsewhere. ://
Wonderful perspective.
