..but I am not. Reding through Donna Harraway's Promises of Monsters to prepare myself a little in-depth for Anthony's interview tomorrow, and reading up on media law brought up the topics of social identity and structural violence, once again.
I felt trapped, and locked inside my body, all at once. Not good. My stomach began to rebel, my inner voice of freedom started to scream, my anger at bureaucratic violence and the abuse I had encountered at various "social" institutions came back to me like a fist in my face.So much learned, such a long road of development, so much work put into a life and I end up trapped in Nazi town No.1, a hick town in the middle of nowhere.. the antithesis to what I need.
I remembered my first interview with Franz, when we talked about the subject of "masks", and how we both felt it to be pathological.. he wears little to no masks, neither do I. Which is rare. If we do, the mask is so obviously a caricature of other's, it feels surreal. And we only do it if absolutely necessary. I reflected on my art, and so many other things that are relevant to me, and that I cannot live here..
I cannot live or feed my talents in a country that constantly de-valuates me, and whose language I feel is not my own. I need, I CRAVE english, I crave a love life, I crave respect..now- after so many years being able to do without it. My patience has been almost superhuman- this is how it feels to me, but I cannot wait any longer, now. There HAS been respect from others, quite recently, deeply-felt respect. But its only a drop of water after what seemed like an eternal desert in my mouth.
#i am not happy at all.. and Im should be looking forward to my two interviews tomorrow. I ate and slept too much today- both aren't good signs. Two jobs declined today, the two best ones, the only two that would have mattered to me. Not a real declining.. the Workers Chamber just told me that they do not have any open positions right now, and that they'll file my CV for later use. Well.
I cannot work in a job that doesnt make sense anymore, I just cannot. And in jobs where I would actually be able to fight the stupidity and the madness, the bias' and the lies that make out this country, for me, I would surely burn out, again. Next month will see applications in the arts field, and sending concepts and a pilot to production companies, and the like. Occasionally, I will send out English applications, too. But I'd prefer a job in the US.
I felt trapped, and locked inside my body, all at once. Not good. My stomach began to rebel, my inner voice of freedom started to scream, my anger at bureaucratic violence and the abuse I had encountered at various "social" institutions came back to me like a fist in my face.So much learned, such a long road of development, so much work put into a life and I end up trapped in Nazi town No.1, a hick town in the middle of nowhere.. the antithesis to what I need.
I remembered my first interview with Franz, when we talked about the subject of "masks", and how we both felt it to be pathological.. he wears little to no masks, neither do I. Which is rare. If we do, the mask is so obviously a caricature of other's, it feels surreal. And we only do it if absolutely necessary. I reflected on my art, and so many other things that are relevant to me, and that I cannot live here..
I cannot live or feed my talents in a country that constantly de-valuates me, and whose language I feel is not my own. I need, I CRAVE english, I crave a love life, I crave respect..now- after so many years being able to do without it. My patience has been almost superhuman- this is how it feels to me, but I cannot wait any longer, now. There HAS been respect from others, quite recently, deeply-felt respect. But its only a drop of water after what seemed like an eternal desert in my mouth.
#i am not happy at all.. and Im should be looking forward to my two interviews tomorrow. I ate and slept too much today- both aren't good signs. Two jobs declined today, the two best ones, the only two that would have mattered to me. Not a real declining.. the Workers Chamber just told me that they do not have any open positions right now, and that they'll file my CV for later use. Well.
I cannot work in a job that doesnt make sense anymore, I just cannot. And in jobs where I would actually be able to fight the stupidity and the madness, the bias' and the lies that make out this country, for me, I would surely burn out, again. Next month will see applications in the arts field, and sending concepts and a pilot to production companies, and the like. Occasionally, I will send out English applications, too. But I'd prefer a job in the US.
