I have wanted to blog about him for a while- blogging about my life really helps me focus and reflect.
And that with all due respect of his private sphere.
I met him on the train to Vienna- on one of my trips to see Nelly, helping me sew the costume. I was sitting in the Westbahn cafeteria, drawing butterflies on organza, having a cup of hot chocolate (the cheapest drink available there).
Then a young man, slender, dark-haired and quite well-dressed (conservative, but well-dressed:) asks to sit down opposite me. He orders a glass of white wine, and smokes. (I am a non-smoker). He talks really fast, we talk about how few people these days seem to have good manners, I think he is quite stressed out, possibly in some kind of young management position, he tells me he is four years younger than me. Looking younger, too. I tell him I am making the costume for TV, and I realize how fucked up I must look, with my shoes with holes, and cheap spotted pants, the winter jacket R3 gave me because I did not have the money to buy one of my own, no makeup, older than him, pretty angry about the situation in Linz, and with nothing much to offer really but a CV that is now fully irrelevant for what I want to do now- and many friends and connaissances that don't help me. With a few exceptions. He tells me he likes butterflies, and that his father is an artist as well. He is familiar with bookholding, so he does that for his dad. We talk about families, art and society in general.
It IS strange..the conversation, as much as I like exchange, totally overburdens and exhausts me. I am happy having to wait in front of the loo for so long- just having a break. I don't wanna be impolite..he is a nice person, but I am tired and realize I need a serious break of everything- inclusive people- sometime.
When we get off the train, and I feel he likes me a lot and looks at my ass (you just know it sometimes when people look at you from behind)...we meet a cigar smoker, an Italian. E. makes some small conversation in Italian, perfectly identifying the kind of cigar the guy smokes. Apparently some military staff cigar. I chuckle inside, and think to myself: "Good manners. Savoir vivre. Experience. How much I have missed that, ever since London..and especially in my past two years as a social dropout".
We are supposed to say goodbye now, and he asks if I want to stay in contact. I don't want to be impolite, and I don't understand why this guy likes me, as I have just- quite obviously- hit rock-bottom in my life. I reluctantly give him my number. I like him, but..I am so exhausted I just wanna go sleep at Nelly's- and nothing else. And I have an appointment at Barön Brazy's before, printing the AnimaGaga suit..As much as I have enjoyed intense exchange and intellectual conversation earlier on in my life (and I know a couple of intellectuals), it just stresses me out these days. Then he offers to walk me to the tube. And then something strange happens: I get this feeling of "We belong together", and "God, I don't want him to go..why can't we spend the day together?". I know quite well that he is a smoker, and I cannot stand smoke- especially in my actual state when I am barely able to breathe. I have a lot of friends who smoke, but as a partner..smoking is difficult. Though despite all this, I really liked his smell. Underneath the cigarette stain. Even back then.
- tbc.
And that with all due respect of his private sphere.
I met him on the train to Vienna- on one of my trips to see Nelly, helping me sew the costume. I was sitting in the Westbahn cafeteria, drawing butterflies on organza, having a cup of hot chocolate (the cheapest drink available there).
Then a young man, slender, dark-haired and quite well-dressed (conservative, but well-dressed:) asks to sit down opposite me. He orders a glass of white wine, and smokes. (I am a non-smoker). He talks really fast, we talk about how few people these days seem to have good manners, I think he is quite stressed out, possibly in some kind of young management position, he tells me he is four years younger than me. Looking younger, too. I tell him I am making the costume for TV, and I realize how fucked up I must look, with my shoes with holes, and cheap spotted pants, the winter jacket R3 gave me because I did not have the money to buy one of my own, no makeup, older than him, pretty angry about the situation in Linz, and with nothing much to offer really but a CV that is now fully irrelevant for what I want to do now- and many friends and connaissances that don't help me. With a few exceptions. He tells me he likes butterflies, and that his father is an artist as well. He is familiar with bookholding, so he does that for his dad. We talk about families, art and society in general.
It IS strange..the conversation, as much as I like exchange, totally overburdens and exhausts me. I am happy having to wait in front of the loo for so long- just having a break. I don't wanna be impolite..he is a nice person, but I am tired and realize I need a serious break of everything- inclusive people- sometime.
When we get off the train, and I feel he likes me a lot and looks at my ass (you just know it sometimes when people look at you from behind)...we meet a cigar smoker, an Italian. E. makes some small conversation in Italian, perfectly identifying the kind of cigar the guy smokes. Apparently some military staff cigar. I chuckle inside, and think to myself: "Good manners. Savoir vivre. Experience. How much I have missed that, ever since London..and especially in my past two years as a social dropout".
We are supposed to say goodbye now, and he asks if I want to stay in contact. I don't want to be impolite, and I don't understand why this guy likes me, as I have just- quite obviously- hit rock-bottom in my life. I reluctantly give him my number. I like him, but..I am so exhausted I just wanna go sleep at Nelly's- and nothing else. And I have an appointment at Barön Brazy's before, printing the AnimaGaga suit..As much as I have enjoyed intense exchange and intellectual conversation earlier on in my life (and I know a couple of intellectuals), it just stresses me out these days. Then he offers to walk me to the tube. And then something strange happens: I get this feeling of "We belong together", and "God, I don't want him to go..why can't we spend the day together?". I know quite well that he is a smoker, and I cannot stand smoke- especially in my actual state when I am barely able to breathe. I have a lot of friends who smoke, but as a partner..smoking is difficult. Though despite all this, I really liked his smell. Underneath the cigarette stain. Even back then.
- tbc.
