Wrapping Up.

 Still an ENFJ, I see life as a succession of experiments. Some failed, some successful.

In life, some were shockingly successful, some devastatingly unsuccessful.

People misinterpret me and my intentions 90% of the time.

However, as I look back on 5,5 years in Estonia (6 years- 5 months spent in Austria during Covid lockdown), I see that there have been results.

I got shortlisted for an innovation with AI prize. A prestigious one- and, indeed, what we did, just me and a graphic design intern, within 5 months.. was astounding. And astoundingly simple- IF other people would have the benefit of others as much in mind as I had within the last few decades of my life. Most dont.

I declined the nomination. Partially, because those prizes also take a submission fee, but, mostly, because I want to transfer what we learned to a new place, a new format- and improve on it.

There were also many great experiences with Airbnb experience guests, a former intern wrote a thesis on my Nomad walk, and I have gained a tremendous amount of knowledge. 

Nevertheless, I've seen even more of the worst of mankind, which is why I now take an extended break from everything. And ponder.. LIFE. 

I've reached a point where I could make ANYONE- and I MEAN anyone- world-famous. Or expose them. A useful skill. 

Sadly, most are full of ego and shit, so I cannot sell this skill much. 

I built a Linkedin of 8000, that I stopped growing many years ago, when I noticed how vile and fake many of them are. That is NOT success.

Some of them will, though, get an invitation for a PR program I am affiliate for.. let's hope they are worthy. 

My life here, in the new place, will be very different at first. If things don't work out as they should, there is a plan B, and C, and.. somewhere else, abroad.

By now, I always have around 10 different directions I can go in. All roads eventually lead to the same thing, the idea we started from 25 years ago.

But maybe not under the name Vitruvian Vision. We will see. :)

Fuck You, Raphael.

In my case, I KNOW you will think about me because the destruction you caused on my soul and my body will have to be P.A.I.D. for- and your earthly money won't cover that. ;)

Mould- again.

 Being poor, you often end up in cheap accommodation. In Estonia, most places have mould anyway. 

And I was wondering why, despite focus on my health in the last month, my migraines were getting so bad, and my inflammation was seemingly never-ending. :/ 

Then I started looking at the walls.. (and I vent regularly)

This room has mould before, I knew that. But after the flea+ mould incident the former landlord did NOTHING about, I had to find alternative lodging fast, and there wasn't much of a choice. 

This year, the focus is on finding STABLE, healthy level income to finally be able to move to a healthy place, and heal. 

I WANT A GUY LIKE THAT.

I was basically raised and educated by my grandmother. And maybe it was her natural, strong, witchy skills, or her Hungarian-Croatian-Gypsy-Austrian heritage. We don't know. But I swear, energetically, my gran was a black woman. I cannot find another way to describe it. She had bottomline strength that was bold, earthy, strong and she had sass.

Some traits that I recognised, both as an ENFJ "Feeler", and intellectually, in many black women I have met over the years. I am a bit more soft, but I've always had black girlfriends, and yes there is also shy black girls and ofc so many different cultural backgrounds.

But there is a FEELING, when I had a friend of Cameroon sleep over once, that IS black earth, that IS the dry warm soil underneath that I dreamed of all night. That is strength.. it is hard to describe- that for me is Africa(n) in it's core. I hope I don't offend anyone with this description.

So my gran had some of that. And I just love it. So I seek it, because Europe can be so.. cold, and ephemeral at times.

Anyhow I once had an intern- the smartest, or one of the very smartest, women I ever met. She needed no instructions, she just taught herself everything. And went beyond that. And the rare times we still communicate, she answers me back with the most perfect answer- I feel like she understands me in my core. She is black, and probably has the most different cultural background- yet I have never been a real Austrian, and I doubt she has ever been whatever they expected of her.  

I feel like I can breathe for those short moments, like all I am is right the way it is. And she doesn't get that she is different. Like I didn't for so long- a common thing when you're really lit and intelligent. It is unfortunate, because this way you won't ever understand why you get so much hate thrown your way. Like I didn't, back then. Sometimes I wish I had understood it. My gran tried to tell me, but she was older, and you don't really know until you know. 

So I wish I had a guy that makes me feel like she does- or he had that as one of his traits. 

One small thing: she sent me a Samantha meme. I was never a SATC fan, but had I had to choose, I would have chosen Samantha any time. Mind me, I was a Charlotte, lifestyle-wise, but in the core always was and always will be Samantha. And: she has a good heart! Which isn't obvious, but it's there.

So, yes, Djeneba please, in male form, and add a few more soothing traits that do me good. I have had enough drama in my life, for good. 

Depeche Mode Baar

One thing I was very proud of: Finally managed to go to Depeche Mode Baar in Old Town. (29.12.2021, proof attached)

They only had alcohol on their menu- and I had "The Perfect Kiss". Too much alcohol for someone who doesn't drink, normally. 

But I watched A LOT of music videos that evening, and broadened my mind a little. Apart from the off-putting s/m influences (doesn't matter if the woman or the man is on top- power play in romance is the death of love), some videos were very creative- and I discovered a few very deep, romantic, well-written ballads I didn't know before. 

Like this one.

Yes- this might come as a surprise considering I am a music lover, yet to be honest.. 

Depeche Mode I want to listen to when I feel existential, or am looking for videos with men in leather pants online (men in black leather pants are great, just from a fashion and haptic aspect).

And a fun thing that evening: I don't save Mr. LeCocq's number anymore, so I, slightly drunk, sent some messages to the wrong number. The poor Estonian (or other) person who received that. It included an sms about how sexy men in black leather gear are. Oh my- I laughed. It was GLORIOUS. ;)

@Leather gear: Not the s/m type of great with studs necessarily.. but I have always liked: cashmere turtlenecks, suede leather (all colours), and sleek. black leather pants. My first boyfriend, a maths genius (multi-dimensional spaces) and early inventor in the IT/Telecomms space, preferred suede, leather and turtlenecks. Fit my style when younger. 

Used to have a lot of leather pants and skirts as well when more slim. Sigh.. Good Times (at least fashion-wise)!

 

And for those of you..

 .. who were wondering: LeCocq is a custom knife brand. 

Estonians and other monsters

 As a foreigner I am really unhappy that I always get the smallest piece of cake at a cafe in Magistral, they want to send me home even though I am a regular when I forget my mobile just once (some other days they didn't even ask for my certificate because everyone in my favorite cafe already knows me).

Too bad I had my laptop with me- with a certificate on it. After all, I never spend money carelessly just for fun, I always tie it in with some work at least.

I go to this cafe regularly with interns, since we are all remote and don't have an office apart from my home office. And I am pissed off by this country and all the shit and generic disrespect for humans in it. 

Spent some of my night talking to the night guard at Prisma 24/7 in Old Town, a young guy who has bad depression and wants to study IT (the classic). 

(He picked me up after I had been set up by Mr. LeCocq at Depeche Mode Baar. Utterly drunk after just one drink (it is more likely my histamine-autoimmune issue than the alcohol, I presume), with no battery, I ended up in the cold after midnight. Completely unaware- because I rarely go out- when busses stop going. It could have ended badly- but I was protected. So I eventually found a plug in Prisma and was allowed to charge my phone there, whilst I had a very pleasant discussion with the young dude, diving into his symptoms.. exciting! After half an hour (and 1,5 hours overall in the cold) I was sober again.)

And it seems only the Estonians who are already sick (or the rare ultra positive ones) dare to talk about the shit that is wrong with this country. And it is A LOT. 

From the corruption that got so bad it was an open topic during the last city council elections.. to the racism and sexual harassment (the first not as yet a real topic, the last at least a topic in popular movies like Uekssarvik).. it disgusts me.

Repulsed by all the dirt I had recently seen, I remembered my roots and remembered what forces I can draw on due to soul age, karma and genetics. 

Fuck you- royalty is royalty and will always BE royalty. This is a VERY clear warning. 

Mind me- I am a neutral good/good is not nice trope. I dispose of shit like Batman does: I don't want or enjoy torture, I just throw trash in the trash quickly and efficiently. 

You see, dear readers- sooner or later all those assholes get what they deserve. And if you are that dumb to cross MY LIFE, you will not get away with shit you have done- either way. 

This is a promise. 

OTJE Project, Update 26th of December 2021

Since Vitruvian Vision is a grassroots project on a very limited budget, with limited staff and resources, shit is bound to happen.

We had planned to start our crowdfunding in December 2021, only to find out that kickstarter does not allow companies and NGOs from Estonia. Our initial research had shown that is possible.

And, yes- there ARE indeed Estonian companies on there, and don't get me to comment on the peculiarities of how they were allowed to fund on this particular platform.

I did my research- and let's say I found a lot of issues I wasn't happy with. Fake profiles, shady collars- all for the sake of running a project from elsewhere that is actually located in Estonia. 

So Goodbye, Kickstarter.

We then had to re-shoot the German and English videos, make them platform-neutral, and opt for indiegogo. Which has a great resources page and an awesome team- it is just not such a great place for artistic projects. 

We will also be on start next- the biggest German platform. 

Then a few team fluctuations, and people not showing up for their onboarding- and we are down to six team members for now. 

The flashmob dates had to be rescheduled, starting from Europe Day 2022 now (May) and running until May 2023. We decided in the team that this gives us plenty of time to organise and try things out. 

Once the new dates are fixed, we will put them online. 

A Wedding and a Funeral.

I am most happy to declare that my broken heart is finally healing! And who would have thought. 

I fell in love with a man, had my heart badly broken the second time around, almost died, went through hell and back- and recovered. 

This guy though, unlike Raphael, had the balls to talk it out with me. SO HELPFUL. And after a hard time back and forth for me, I have now reached a state of bliss. My old me- the one that is balanced and kind and that cares predominantly about true love. 

And that could still mean no sex, just friendship, or a complete separation. I've missed it- it has taken me 11 years to heal from that disaster that caused autoimmune and screwed up my whole life.   

I also changed my job- the mobbing got so bad it became necessary. Being vastly underpaid is one thing. Mobbing is another- so I quit. We will see what happens. 

:)