..I reached an all-time low when I called my father and asked for money for (faster) therapy. I read up on trauma and borderline and even manic depression, and serious trauma can lead to it.. and I want to get healthy soon. Public health initiatives are few, you wait for ages, and that gives people and situations plenty of time to re-traumatise a person. It is a sad fact that people will hit at you further when you are already on shaky ground. I cannot afford proper (physical) therapy.
Thanks to Antonio, I can now go swimming and sauna for until end of december, and I have a supplicae storage for the same duration. Aminoacids and some other minerals are absolutely effective in treating exhaustion, depressed states and many other (mental) ailments.
but even if I go do therapy like my doctor suggested (acupuncture and therapy once a week), it will cost me 220/month in the end. THAT is affordable, even though would stand in the way of singing and piano lessons (which I ache for..)- but the real problem is that before it amounts to 220, they actually cash in about 5-800, then you get a refund from the health fund. I CANNOT pay 600 Euros/month or more in advance. Even if I could.. I would explode now that I have an extensive video project coming up in August, and cannot even think about anything else.
I just cant be bothered with anything but working, sleeping, relaxing anymore. And there is the jobcenter coming up in July.. and August.. maybe I get lucky and my new consultant (a woman, she seems to be sensitive) might actually help me to further qualify, AND give me time.
I was thinking about once again postponing my video, but I just can't. One and a half year's work and focus on it amidst all that madness, trauma and trouble is enough. I need to get it OUT, off my chest, and into the stream. Then I can start being myself, eventually. As Oh, Joan is a summary of my years 19-now, everything that follows after that.. is my essence. Oh, Joan sort of mirrors that process to find and structure my art and my poetry.. I realize now what it represents, archetype-wise, for me, as well. It is my restructuring of a broken (personal and collective) psyche, but also a gathering of strength for breaking out of the cages one is being put into by (for me: the local) society. Hence... I need it to happen. :) I cannot do it anywhere else. There are some further songs on the album, like "Mozart", that are also referencing things here, but that is not as heavy on me as Joan.
Let's see how much we manage to do this weekend. I need to learn a lot, and Kyle doesn't have that much time- and I cannot possibly let him do so much for me. He is already a kind of father-figure for me. And has got another life, too.
One thing I want to add- and this is why I considered the doctor such an expert yesterday: he said that after a trauma, you have to learn to trust again. That is especially bad when psychiatrists or the like have been your "enemy" ever since early childhood (ma father: "you are mad! you belong to an insane asylum"- commenting reactions he had forced). you also need to find mother and father figures- and that is what I did, naturally. I hate to bother others, but then.. I gave so much for so long. I might as well take this time around.
I sometimes fear that I have gone too far this time, in my research, my curiosity for psychology and the human mind, my own stubbornness, and then.. it gets all calm inside. I know Nina thinks of me, or other friends do..sometime, somehow I am being looked after, and I cannot fall that deep anymore.
I am deeply disappointed of some of the people I met during my wild last three years.. Ernest, Werner Rydl, and this one Swiss guy I dated for five days. In a sense, they marked themselves out. I disconnected, in Ernests case after a long time of hither and thither, but I delineated. That was a hard one to learn, when you are generally caring and empathic. I think Nina is learning to take less care of me, too, now. :) Which is good.
After all, I DO need her less and less.. but sometimes, like today, I need her to talk to. Or maybe just need to get the feeling she is there for me just in case.
The leakage in my shower will soon be fixed, I bought a lamp and organized the plumber, and I also delineated from someone I disliked right from the start: a neighbour. Kyle likes him, he kind of likes Kyle (well, both artists..), but I absolutely HATED his advances.. tender, though there. I hate that when I feel it, though no man is a eunuch, really. And that is ok, but.. I never had the feeling he was actually really listening to ME..always just to himself talking. I hate that, too, in a man. No matter how young or old.
Now after he kept on calling MY mobile and pressurizing me to fix the shower (he knows I am ill..) instead of Kyles (the landlord's), or calling him after having called me, which is just annoying, cuz he couldnt tell him more than I already did..and this bc of a leakage that concerns only his storage room (he almost never uses), I just had it.
There are two kinds of people: those who are really rich (not just in money, like that neighbour..VERY rich), and those who have (inner and outer) riches. Like Kyle. He isnt that rich, but he is well off ok. He understands what life is about. I am happy that I now have a reason not to talk to that one neighbour anymore, if not absolutely necessary. Ah, and I found a new speech therapist as well today. :) just around the corner.. the old one was too far away.
Also..today was my FIRST day of listening to a US-american webinar on CVs for the sustainability market- and I really liked it, despite a crushing headache (emotional regulation often causes those). It was by a wonderful American coach, Shannon Houde, her voice reminded me of Karen.. who was the very best mother figure in my life, ever. ever, ever, ever. I should have listened to her, when she told me and my then boyfriend that we'd be better off and much happier in the US.. I should have done a lot of things differently in my life after 2005/6. A LOT. But I survived, and I learned, and I won't be making the same mistakes ever again.
Seems like things ARE getting better indeed, I am just not meant to give up. Now.
I was thinking..ok, maybe I can postpone all my other projects and the singing lessons until Beginning of Next Year, and spend all my money on therapies instead. Maybe, if the crowdfunding (and I need help with that), goes well enough, I will have money to spend on artsy stuff, materials and maybe even singing lessons. I just cannot raise all that money by myself anymore.
Thanks to Antonio, I can now go swimming and sauna for until end of december, and I have a supplicae storage for the same duration. Aminoacids and some other minerals are absolutely effective in treating exhaustion, depressed states and many other (mental) ailments.
but even if I go do therapy like my doctor suggested (acupuncture and therapy once a week), it will cost me 220/month in the end. THAT is affordable, even though would stand in the way of singing and piano lessons (which I ache for..)- but the real problem is that before it amounts to 220, they actually cash in about 5-800, then you get a refund from the health fund. I CANNOT pay 600 Euros/month or more in advance. Even if I could.. I would explode now that I have an extensive video project coming up in August, and cannot even think about anything else.
I just cant be bothered with anything but working, sleeping, relaxing anymore. And there is the jobcenter coming up in July.. and August.. maybe I get lucky and my new consultant (a woman, she seems to be sensitive) might actually help me to further qualify, AND give me time.
I was thinking about once again postponing my video, but I just can't. One and a half year's work and focus on it amidst all that madness, trauma and trouble is enough. I need to get it OUT, off my chest, and into the stream. Then I can start being myself, eventually. As Oh, Joan is a summary of my years 19-now, everything that follows after that.. is my essence. Oh, Joan sort of mirrors that process to find and structure my art and my poetry.. I realize now what it represents, archetype-wise, for me, as well. It is my restructuring of a broken (personal and collective) psyche, but also a gathering of strength for breaking out of the cages one is being put into by (for me: the local) society. Hence... I need it to happen. :) I cannot do it anywhere else. There are some further songs on the album, like "Mozart", that are also referencing things here, but that is not as heavy on me as Joan.
Let's see how much we manage to do this weekend. I need to learn a lot, and Kyle doesn't have that much time- and I cannot possibly let him do so much for me. He is already a kind of father-figure for me. And has got another life, too.
One thing I want to add- and this is why I considered the doctor such an expert yesterday: he said that after a trauma, you have to learn to trust again. That is especially bad when psychiatrists or the like have been your "enemy" ever since early childhood (ma father: "you are mad! you belong to an insane asylum"- commenting reactions he had forced). you also need to find mother and father figures- and that is what I did, naturally. I hate to bother others, but then.. I gave so much for so long. I might as well take this time around.
I sometimes fear that I have gone too far this time, in my research, my curiosity for psychology and the human mind, my own stubbornness, and then.. it gets all calm inside. I know Nina thinks of me, or other friends do..sometime, somehow I am being looked after, and I cannot fall that deep anymore.
I am deeply disappointed of some of the people I met during my wild last three years.. Ernest, Werner Rydl, and this one Swiss guy I dated for five days. In a sense, they marked themselves out. I disconnected, in Ernests case after a long time of hither and thither, but I delineated. That was a hard one to learn, when you are generally caring and empathic. I think Nina is learning to take less care of me, too, now. :) Which is good.
After all, I DO need her less and less.. but sometimes, like today, I need her to talk to. Or maybe just need to get the feeling she is there for me just in case.
The leakage in my shower will soon be fixed, I bought a lamp and organized the plumber, and I also delineated from someone I disliked right from the start: a neighbour. Kyle likes him, he kind of likes Kyle (well, both artists..), but I absolutely HATED his advances.. tender, though there. I hate that when I feel it, though no man is a eunuch, really. And that is ok, but.. I never had the feeling he was actually really listening to ME..always just to himself talking. I hate that, too, in a man. No matter how young or old.
Now after he kept on calling MY mobile and pressurizing me to fix the shower (he knows I am ill..) instead of Kyles (the landlord's), or calling him after having called me, which is just annoying, cuz he couldnt tell him more than I already did..and this bc of a leakage that concerns only his storage room (he almost never uses), I just had it.
There are two kinds of people: those who are really rich (not just in money, like that neighbour..VERY rich), and those who have (inner and outer) riches. Like Kyle. He isnt that rich, but he is well off ok. He understands what life is about. I am happy that I now have a reason not to talk to that one neighbour anymore, if not absolutely necessary. Ah, and I found a new speech therapist as well today. :) just around the corner.. the old one was too far away.
Also..today was my FIRST day of listening to a US-american webinar on CVs for the sustainability market- and I really liked it, despite a crushing headache (emotional regulation often causes those). It was by a wonderful American coach, Shannon Houde, her voice reminded me of Karen.. who was the very best mother figure in my life, ever. ever, ever, ever. I should have listened to her, when she told me and my then boyfriend that we'd be better off and much happier in the US.. I should have done a lot of things differently in my life after 2005/6. A LOT. But I survived, and I learned, and I won't be making the same mistakes ever again.
Seems like things ARE getting better indeed, I am just not meant to give up. Now.
I was thinking..ok, maybe I can postpone all my other projects and the singing lessons until Beginning of Next Year, and spend all my money on therapies instead. Maybe, if the crowdfunding (and I need help with that), goes well enough, I will have money to spend on artsy stuff, materials and maybe even singing lessons. I just cannot raise all that money by myself anymore.
