TV.

Interesting. They cut out the juicy bits and discussions me and Spira had..^^..of course. ;D

(Like: S: "One CANNOT be everything!", A:"Of course you can!", S: "I am SURE that is impossible!", A: "In the material world, yes. I agree that one cannot be all kinds of thing at once, acted out at the same time. But immaterially, as a state of mind, it IS possible and desireable. (thinking: this is what enlightenment is about).")

Some images look surprisingly good- some I thought would come across pretty well looked awkward.

I am still a bit too big- and sometimes my voice sounds too affectionate and almost as if I wasn't telling the truth. I was. I know that my speech may appear a bit too emotional at times- and I was told my laughter sounds like an opera singers ("acted", almost). Try to act laughter.

Anyways..I am quite happy with the music picked (Kate Bush: Running up that Hill) and most of the visuals picked. I did not know they had been filming my styleboard? And some more things. Well.

All in all I am happy with how I was portrayed for my first time on T.V. I am charismatic and strong- despite just having had returned from a cure..hardly being able to breathe let alone sing..(my voice sounds AWFUL!! in my mind)..and the makeup got into my eyes. I was told I occasionally sound nervous. I was TIRED, strung out and sad. She managed to get me to talk about Raphael..something I did not want to do on this occasion. Something that maybe got me a bit nervous because I hadnt prepared to talk about that. It was a PR stunt- and I wasnt really looking for a guy. Plus, still being in a burnout..that is the last thing I am looking for right now..a new love.

(p.s.: update today 31-08-2012: I have just been told by a young woman that she thought the TV appearance was inspiring and that she considers me to be a role model (for changing people's minds about how one should look, act, be). Now THAT is a compliment;)

...

First public TV appearance..

..on August the 27th, I am going to be on Spiras "Liebesgschich'tn und Heiratssachen" on Austrian TV (ORF 2, 20:15- as well as 28th at 11:00). And no- they don't pay (public TV, not a private channel)- but it is one million viewers plus watching.

Possibly them making a fool out of me- but they might as well portray me in a nice (acceptable)  way. So let's see.

Then today I ran into a shooting for this seasons PR campaign for one of Austria's biggest insurance companies, Generali Insurance..and I remember seeing an ad a couple of years ago, thinking: "WOW- guardian angels? really nice. and not even kitschy the way they do it..". ^^..The girl handed me a form and asked me to take part in. I declined, as I didnt have my costume with me (no photos, vids or anything of me WITHOUT the mask). When I came back today, they decided my costume being too extreme and a mask not being suitable for their campaign. So I wrote to their marketing dept. and handed them my details- if they reconsider later. As an indigo, "being" an angel (even in a white costume and white makeup/mask) would be pretty cool..^^..I always wanted to have wings.

I seriously DOUBT any American film team would have considered my outfit to be unsuitable- but this is Austria. No further comment, and its better like it anyway. I am well on my way, and all my actions here are just blueprints and exercises for the real thing.

Funny.

Wouldn't happen in New York, I guess. But it happens in AUSTRIA. No educated person would have that audacity.

Of Course. A country that gassed the Jews (together with many other intellectuals) and got rid of culture in one big wave. Now they still think they have some. I don't think so.

A guy, a guitarist I wrote to, accused me of being an idiot and a cultural legasthenic due to the fact that I like Laurie Anderson.

Are we talking about the same? Anyways she "converted" former "gay" Lou Reed back to dating a woman. ;D..that is miraculous for once. Also, she managed to have a hit single in the 80s that was ART. Not a musical piece. Totally abstract, and hard to access. And people loved it! Maybe they were all..dumb. For once, most of them weren't Austrian- which is a fact. So they must be dumb for sure (*cynism*).

I dont care what Austrians think about me, but I realize more and more that most people here are just not like me..and I haven't felt at home here, ever. They give me hell, daily- and my plans are now set on leaving more strongly than ever. (No) Big Science.

Carlo has disappeared to Italy once again I guess, I cannot reach him. The other musicians I find want to be paid for playing (which I cannot afford, and won't in the near future), and those I write to have a say.. different taste in music. So I'll have to face the fact that there cannot be a video as long as there isn't a demo, which won't be before I am appearing on Spira for sure.

Maybe some musician writes to me, and we can both leave the country together. Or the like.
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Two Millionaires.

The first one, young and achingly beautiful, broke my heart because I dared not to fall for him at first sight. That is how I eventually ended up homeless and broke, despite trying with all my might to escape my burnout.

Anyone who HAS ever been homeless won't put that down easily. It is hell- especially as a woman. But hell doesnt stop here. How cynical that, that among the questions asked by T.V. (considering the fact I was just out of rehab and had serious respiratory and energy and what have you not problems) was like: "oh, so..you had a burnout.but its OVER NOW, right?"- as if a burnout would be gone within a second. As if I'd be using the social system I have paid into by the way for FUN. Such a question can only be asked by a total ignorant person that has never experienced a similar situation.

The second millionaire was a sponsor- Antonio. I thought we had reconciled (see prior posts) but he actually took his chance to fool with me (and that isn't funny in my situation..) and take revenge for having DARED to tell him that I wasnt up for a relationship, only for a friendship. I know you rich folk are used to buy meat by the pound..and this world-view, like everything else in your life, will yield serious karma. It also- like it or not- is the major thing that makes it impossible for rich guys to find love. NOT the money diggers..their own superficialty and greed. No wonder prostitutes and rich men are often to be met in the same places.

What I am personally paying for I dont know. it took me more than ten years of dating to actually learn to phrase a "no" in a direct, head-on way. Without seriously hurting the other- and that has always been important for me. He ignored it first time, so I was a bit more direct than usual maybe, even..just to let him see that he could not handle me if we lived together.

a very unprofessional and immature reaction. My friends were going: "What a psycho--". Well. After the last months experiences here I cannot see any good in people anymore- which is seriously threatening my soul and my work for V.

Also, last week I had a stalker..he couldn't take a no either..the second one within three months and two dates. Makes for a funny 100%. As IF I had nerves for any kind of relationship right now. I just want my peace.

Perfect Match.

(source: concordia1950.com)

..what I could start with, though, would be some criteria for the "man of my dreams" that I compiled together with a friend (and psychologist/HSP) two days before the shooting.

Those were (with some alterations):

- preferably tall (i.e. taller than me) and dark-haired, skinny to athletic type (..but if u're blonde and a match, the hair colour is secondary)

- loving and kind, a focus on intimacy rather than sex. (I am dominant at work, but a harmony seeker at home)

- intelligent, if possible an HSP (extravert or introverted I don't care, though I do have a penchant for the "quiet/shy" type)

- likes to travel, open-minded (cosmopolitan), a fast learner

- loyal and faithful (self-understood, really).

- good to excellent English (I failed to mention that on T.V.)

- young (under 34, my last dates were all around 25), preferably NOT Austrian (IF an Austrian, as critical as I am about the place), Asian or Caucasian white preferred.


- money isn't an issue (might be a student), though if it's there it won't hurt.

- communicative, maybe a writer (at least with a taste for language)

- sensitivity and general taste. for life, beauty, design, art, music, SUSTAINABILITY (I was once pondering buying a worm composter for my organic garbage:)

- somebody patient. Who understands that (good) things need to grow. And that relationships sometimes require (some) work to run smoothly after a while.

- somebody who wants to BUILD something together: be it a home, a business, a family (preferably all three ;).

-  emotional depth and experience and some psychological savyness would be much appreciated, since I am still laborating on my second burnout.

- protective (when needed).

- Ah: and I LOVE eccentrics. :)

--> in short: if you look, act and love like Hannibal Lecter in the Thomas Harris books (without the killing and the eating human meat) you might be my perfect match. ;D...

AND THE  MOST IMPORTANT CRITERIA OF ALL: you need to have a pure soul (and love for me).
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